Death Thomas Mann
September 10 has finally come autumn, summer will not return. I'll never see ...
The sea is gray and quiet, and light rain falls, sad. When I saw this morning, I waved goodbye to the summer and autumn, the number forty of my fall, that has finally arrived, inexorable. E inexorably bring with it that day, as sometimes date recited quietly, with a feeling of seclusion and intimate terror ...
September 12 I went for a walk a little with the small Assumption. It is a good companion, he is silent and sometimes I look at me raising her large eyes full of affection.
We went down the road from the beach to Kronshafen, but turned around in time before you found us more than one or two people.
As we returned I was happy to see the look of my home. How well had chosen! From a hill, which was now dead grass and wet, watching the sea of \u200b\u200bgray. Gray is also simple and the house. Along the back passes road, and there are fields behind. But I do not look at it, look only to the sea.
September 15 This solitary house on the hill near the sea and under the gray sky is like a dark legend, mysterious, and that's how I want it in my last fall. But this afternoon, as he sat at the window of my study, we presented a car that brought supplies, the old Franz helping to unload, and there were noises and voices. I can not explain how much it bothered me. Shaking with anger, and ordered that such a thing was done in the morning, when I sleep. The old Franz said only: "As you have, Count," but I looked irritated eyes, expressing fear and doubt.
How could understand? He does not know. I do not want vulgarity and boredom stain my last days. I have fear of death may have something bourgeois and ordinary. Must be arcane and strange around me at that big day, solemn, mysterious, of 12 October ...
September 18 In recent days I have left, but I've spent most time on the couch. I could not read much, because doing so tormented me all my nerves. I simply lie down and watch the rain falling, slow and relentless. Assumption
has often, and once brought me flowers a wet and slimy plants found on the beach when he kissed the girl to thank her, she cried because I was "sick." What impression was inexpressibly painful to me their love melancholy!
September 21 I have spent much time sitting at the window of the study, with Assumption on my knees. We watched the sea, gray and huge, and behind us in the great room of tall white door and furniture rigid silence reigned. And slowly stroking the soft hair of the creature, black and straight, falling on his shoulders, I remembered my life variegated and varied remembered my youth, quiet and protected, my wanderings through the world and the short, bright days of my happiness. Do you remember that lovely creature of ardent affection, under the velvet sky of Lisbon? For twelve that made you the gift of a child and died, encircling your neck with her slender arm. Asuncion has
The small black eyes of his mother just more tired and thoughtful. But above all has the same mouth, that mouth so infinitely soft and somewhat bitter at the same time, which is more beautiful when it is silent and merely smiled slightly. My little Asunción
!, If you knew that I shall leave you. Are you crying because I thought "sick"? Ah! What is to do that? What has that to do with the October ...?
September 23 The days I can think and get lost in memories are rare. Many years ago I can only think ahead, just waiting for this big day and chilling, the October 12th fortieth year of my life.
What will? What will? I have no fear, but I think it comes with agonizing slowness, this October 12.
September 27 The old doctor Gudehus Kronshafen wine, arrived by car on the road and had lunch with the small Assumption and me.
"It is necessary," he said while eating half a chicken, make you exercise, Count, plenty of exercise outdoors. Nothing to read! Nothing to ponder! I'm afraid you're a philosopher, heh, heh!
I shrugged my shoulders and thanked him sincerely their efforts. He also gave advice concerning the small Asunción, watching her smile a little forced and confusing. Has had to increase my dose of bromide, maybe now I can sleep a little better.
September 30 - The last day of September! And requires less and less needed. It's three o'clock, and I even calculated how many minutes left until the start of October 12th. Are 8.460.
I could not sleep tonight because the wind has risen, and hear the sound of the sea and rain. I have been cast, let time pass. Think, ponder? Ah, no! Dr. Gudehus making me a philosopher, but my head is very weak and I can only think: Death! Death!
October 2 I am deeply moved, and my excitement is a sense of triumph. Sometimes, when I thought and looked at me with doubt and fear, I realized that I took for a madman, and I looked at myself with distrust. Ah, no! I'm not crazy.
I read today the story of the Emperor Frederick, who prophesy I would die sub flore. So avoiding the cities of Florence and Florentinum, but on one occasion ended up in Florentinum, and died. Why did he die?
A prophecy in itself does not matter, depends on if he gets hold of you. But if it succeeds, is demonstrated and therefore is fulfilled. How? Why a prophecy that comes from myself and strengthened, not be as valid as that coming out? And is the firm knowledge of when to be dying, is not as dubious as that of the place?
There is a constant union between man and death! With your will and conviction, you can join your area, you can call to come to you at the time that you create ...
October 3 Many times when my thoughts are spread before me like a gray water, I seem endless because they are obscured by the fog, I see something like the relations of things, and I recognize the futility of concepts.
What is suicide? A voluntary death? No one dies accidentally. The life and leave him to death always occurs because of weakness, and weakness is always the result of a disease of body or mind, or both at once. Do not die before having one made with the idea ...
as I Am? So I think, because I think it would be crazy if it died on October 12 ...
October 5 I keep thinking about it, and I fully occupied. I reflect on when and how I had this assurance, and I find myself unable to speak. At nineteen or twenty years and knew what was coming when they were forty, and sometimes insistently asked me what day would take place, I also discovered the day.
And now this day has come so close, so close that I seem to feel the cold breath of death.
October 7 The wind has become more intense, the sea roars and the rain drumming on the roof. Overnight I have not slept, but I've come to the beach with my raincoat and I sat on a rock.
Behind me in the dark and rain, was the hill to the gray house where we slept the small Assumption, my little Asunción. And to me, pushing his murky sea foam before my feet.
I looked all night, and I thought that this must be death or the afterlife of death was front and infinite darkness, filled with a dull roar. "There would survive an idea, a bit of me, ever hear the incomprehensible noise?
October 8 I must give thanks to the death when it comes, as all will be fulfilled as soon as I get when I can not go on waiting. Three short days of autumn yet, and will occur. I hope the last minute, the last true! Do not be a moment of ecstasy and unspeakable sweetness? A moment of maximum pleasure?
Three short days of autumn yet, and death shall come in my room ... How do you lead? Will I be treated like a worm? "He grabbed my throat to choke? Or with your hand penetrate my brain? I imagine big, beautiful and a wild majesty.
October 9 Assumption I told when I was on my knees, "What if I leave early in your hand, in some way? Would you be sad?" She leaned her head on my chest and wept bitterly. My throat is choked with pain.
Moreover, I have a fever. My head burns, and trembling with cold.
October 10 was here tonight, tonight! Never saw nor heard, but despite that I talked to her. It's ridiculous, but it acted as a dentist: "It is better that we end soon," he said. But I would not and I defended myself, I threw in a few words.
"It is better that we end soon!" How those words sounded! I I felt pierced. How utterly indifferent, boring, bourgeois! I've never known a feeling so cold and sardonic disappointment.
October 11 (at 11 pm)
Do you understand? Oh! Believe me, I understand!
hour and a half ago I was in my room and entered the old Franz, shaking and sobbing.
- Miss "he cried. The girl! Please come soon!
And I went away. I did not cry, and just shook me a cold shudder. She was in her bed, and her black hair framed her small face, pale and painful. I knelt next to it and not think anything or do anything. Gudehus doctor arrived.
"It was a heart attack," he said, shaking his head as one who is not surprised. That Old rustic was as if I knew anything really!
but I, I understand? Oh, when I was alone with her rumored-out rain and the sea, the wind moaned in the chimney, banged the table, so clearly the truth enlightened me a moment. For twenty years I have called the death a day starting in about an hour, and in me, deep down, there was something I always knew he could not abandon this child. Could not die after midnight tonight; however, so it should happen! I would again reject it when it is presented: but she went before the girl, because I had to obey what I knew and believed. Have I been myself who has called the death of your bed, you've killed me, my little Assumption? Ah, words are crude and miserable things to talk about such delicate, mysterious!
Bye bye! Maybe I find out there an idea, something about yourself. Well, look: the hand of the clock is ticking, and the lamp that illuminates your sweet face will soon go off. Keep your hand, small and cold, and wait. Soon she will approach me, and I'll do it they nod and close your eyes when you hear say
"It's better that we end up soon ... FIN
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